I Almost Lost my #!&@ Today



I left lab early today because I was pissed. I had an experiment planned and the person who was supposed to be training me left half way through (without leaving me a protocol NOR letting me know they were leaving) so I literally just walked away from the program that was running because I was fuming.

No one else could help me in the lab because it’s not their project nor their expertise. When I say you would have received third degree burns from the steam coming out of my ears…

I was thoroughly frustrated by the fact that I wasted my time preparing for this experiment, setting it up, and starting it (over the past few days) just to be left hanging in the middle of it with no stopping point.

I left because I was angry. I left because I was mad. Most importantly, I left because I needed space.

I went to workout with one of my lab mates later in the day which was a huge relief and I’ve cleared my mind a bit and I’m ready to try again and have a serious conversation about how I desire to be trained. Communication is key and clearly I need to find a way to make sure I’m on the same page with the people I partner with if I’m going to progress in this space.

So what’s my game plan? I just got home. I’m going to shower, make a healthy well-balanced meal, meditate, and release these negative emotions in a safe space.

Tomorrow, the first thing I’ll do is have a conversation with the people I need to work with and discuss my expectations moving forward. I’m not setting up a single experiment until I am confident that I can successfully and efficiently execute all steps independently.

Although today was one of the most frustrating days I’ve had since moving to Belgium, in the grand scheme of things, I’m still very fortunate and very grateful to be here.

These kinds of days make me want to say eff being a scientist, seriously. Forget this project, I’ll just make buffers for the year and do real science when I get back to my Ph.D. program in Michigan. It’s frustrating as hell. I know we all have these days in one way or another, and maybe it’s not a PC nor professional way to document this – BUT IT’S REAL so I’m sharing it.

Although I’m capable of doing more, if I need to move at a slower pace, so be it. It doesn’t make sense for me to be proactive only to waste my time. There’s only so much I can do on my own. Since Tuesday, I have accomplished *nothing* because of poor communication and training. I could have been on a beach somewhere.

The only silver lining in this all is that this was just a test run. So I’m going to repeat the experiment and treat it as the real deal this week. Now come Thursday…if this s*#! happens again and I’m left hanging high and dry, I’m joining the circus.

With Love,


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